Entree Nous

I was recently introduced to the president of the LGBT employees’ organization in my workplace. I thought we hit it off well, but was still surprised when I saw him today in the employee cafeteria and thought he was making an rather forward proposal.

Turns out if he was asking if I liked pho.

Types of Monogamy

Following on our recent coverage of various types of amorous relationships, I have received requests from monogamists to detail what some more traditional forms of relationship might look like. I am glad to oblige.

Monogamy, of course, is a committed relationship with one other person. Other forms include:

  • Bonogamy, which is a relationship just between U2.
  • Donogamy, being married to the Mob.
  • Mahogamy, in which your partner constantly inspires wood.
  • Shananagamy, which is like monogamy, but greasier.
  • Pigamy, where neither of you can get enough bacon.
  • Manolomy, in which you are commited to your solemate.
  • and Tommybahamagamy, which starts casual but winds up costing you a bunch.

(Some people also practice anonogamy, summed up as “Hello, I love you, won’t you tell me your name?”)

Some Overlooked Loves

Recently, the mainstream media has begun to devote considerable attention to polyamory, the practice of engaging in multiple, simultaneous intimate relationships. While that attention is pleasing to many current polyamorists, it overlooks a number of equally important, related forms of relationships. Included among these are:

  • Follyamory, when you think you’re in love with someone but it’s just because they do that one thing you like really well.
  • Jollyamory, which is widespread, because who doesn’t like Santa Claus?
  • Gollyamory, practiced by devotees of Jim Nabors.
  • Wallyamory, the love of Tony Dow.
  • Mammaryamory, or “I like boobies.” Also known as Dollyamory among Parton fans.
  • Camryamory, described by Toyota owners as “Oh, what a feeling!”
  • and Cleveland Amory, a rare form found among people who root for the Browns.

(Collieamory is, of course, illegal almost everywhere.)

25 Questions to Ask BEFORE Going to Bed with Someone

Most of this stuff is common sense, but you’d be surprised how many people won’t ask or refuse to answer the most basic questions.

1. Are you legally married, illegally married, married to the Mob, and/or actually a horse in a person suit?

2. Are you having sex with anyone else right at this moment?  How about now?

3. How many different sexual partners have you had in the last year?  How many were different but pretty much the same, really?

4. When was your last STD test?  SAT test?  Oil change?

5. Was the filter included?

6. What form of birth control do you use? Oh, a copy of The Watchtower on the bedside table?  Works for me.

7. What brand and size of condoms do you prefer?  Condoms.  C-O-N-D… oh, never mind.

8. What methods do you use to protect yourself during oral and anal play?  What do you mean by “fleeing?“

9. Are you monogamous?  Cats don’t count.

10. Have you ever cheated on someone?  (Include Words With Friends.)

11. Are you poly?  If yes, can I meet with your primary?  If no, who are those three names tattooed on your scrotum?

12. Have you ever kept secret lovers from your primary?  Have you ever won a primary?  If yes to both, should I call you “Mr. President” or just “Bill”?

13. How often do you like/expect to have sex?  Really?  …when do you eat?

14. Do you have any physical issues that affect your sex life?  Include children.

15. What kinds of sex toys do you enjoy?  Yes, I suppose “Lamborghini” is a good answer.

16. What turns you on?  This?  This?  How about this over here?

17. What turns you off?  What do you mean, “Questions”?

18. What are your hard limits?  Do you think it’s funny that I said “hard”?  No, no, neither do I, really.  Heh.

19. What are your soft limits?  How soft are they?  Mmm, soft.

20. Have you ever had a negative sexual experience that triggers panic?  Have you ever had panic that triggered a sexual experience?  Are you Trigger? (See question 1.)

21. What is your favorite way to orgasm?  What do you mean, “alone”?

22. What is your most common/go to sexual fantasy?  Do you supply the choir, the llama, and the ice skates?

23. What does “sex” mean to you?  How about “dyspepsia”?  “Onomatopoeia”?  “Frottage”?

24. Is there anything you’ve ever wanted to try?  My patience?  A case in The Hague?  A little tenderness?

25. If sex results in pregnancy, how do you plan to take responsibility for your actions?  Yes, I said “you,” Mrs. Bobbitt.  Why?