A woman recently struck up a conversation with me on a dating app. She wanted me, a stranger, to know all about her sexual history, which had been aggressively and even spectacularly promiscuous. And she wanted me, no, expected me to denigrate her for it, and make her feel bad about it. Because, as she explained, feeling like she was a bad girl was actually a reward to her.

And that was farther than my sex positivity would let me go. I was all for her having a great time, as often and in as many configurations as she cared to. And I love beyond anything helping people’s fantasies come true. I’ve done plenty of things that were out of character just for a partner’s satisfaction.

But when your fantasy is to be degraded for something that is I find morally neutral or even laudable, that’s too far.

The concern, of course, is that it’s a case of turning a bug into a feature — that she was so accustomed to men belittling her for having a sexual history that she tried to find a way to make it a positive. Which is, I suppose, to be commended. But I can’t abet that. Sorry.

Your kink is not my kink, and that’s OK.

Understand, I’m a pretty conflict-averse guy. I believe what I believe; I don’t often need feel the need to respond to others’ beliefs or their view of mine, at least in part because I find it unlikely their mind is going to change.

But I had to take somebody to school today.

I changed my Facebook avatar to a rainbow mosaic. That led someone to respond:

“Why do we need to make so much publicity for alternative lifestyles?”

For whatever reason, that got my goat. So I mansplained it to him:

“Because they are not ‘alternative’ lifestyles, but just the way many people live. Yet they are denigrated, bullied, etc. for it. Besides, why should anyone not celebrate who they are and what they enjoy?

I should also note that a rainbow doesn’t automatically mean ‘alternative lifestyles’; it’s about diversity and inclusion, whether that’s of ethnicity, skin color, heritage, orientation, or whatever. We are stronger because we are not all alike. And a lot less boring.

Finally, it’s personal. In just the three living generations of my immediate family, there are folks who are Caucasian, Black, Cherokee, Asian-American, native-born, immigrant, first-generation through 11th (or more)-generation American-born, straight, bi, gay, Christian, Jewish, atheist, male, female, whole- and half-siblings, monogamous, and polyamorous. And that’s before we get to friends, who expand the list of adjectives considerably.

So yes, a graphic representation of that diversity is just fine by me.”

His response was that the colors of the mosaic were not in chromatic order, so I think this conversation is pretty much over.

I have tested and sometimes reviewed a variety of dating apps (with a particular soft spot for #open), but it’s always interesting to see how the media put the more innovative ones into context. This is a worthy article about an app I have yet to try.

https://www.newyorker.com/culture/annals-of-inquiry/feeld-dating-app-sex