Does a Benefit Make a Friend?

In the Facebook era, “friend” has become a verb.

It has also become a disposable noun; with the click of a button, we make a “friend”; with another, they are de-friended.  That’s not much of a friendship.

Recently, one of my partners described me as her “lover.”  And the younger person to whom she was speaking said, “Nobody calls them that anymore. Say ‘friend.'”

Leaving aside the lack of poetry and clarity in using the word thus, in the dating world, there is the concept of friends with benefits, a term that is so widespread it needs no further explanation.  Except, perhaps this: There is an important difference between friends with benefits and friends because benefits.

If the benefits go away and they do too, they weren’t friends.

That distinction may not be important to some.  But to those for whom a deeper connection makes for better sex, it’s vital.

Physical attraction may come and go. Friendships, though, endure. When you can have as much fun together doing whatever you do, and be as connected clothed as naked, that’s the good stuff. And it can’t be erased by a click.

That Time Again

"I will never understand why completely polysaturated people like you, who have so much love in their lives, still occasionally get the craving for an experience with someone new," I said to the mirror.

What is Polyamory?

People looking in: It must be orgies and heartbreak and sister wives and bliss and angst!

Polyamory as it is: Filling out medical power of attorney forms, one to be able to accompany a single partner to a colonoscopy, and another to add a meta to my spouse’s such form as backup for when she gets the same procedure.

Poly. It’s real life, just with a bigger cast.

Defend Yourself

It’s getting to be that exciting time again – the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit, August 3-6. I’ll be presenting twice(!) at the conference, but there’s so much more to see. Come on down!

Here’s where you register: https://www.sexualfreedomsummit.org/summit-registration/

…and here’s WHY you register: https://www.sexualfreedomsummit.org/workshops/

Really, folks, – if you care about your rights to express yourself and control your body, you owe it to yourself to attend – and you’ll enjoy!

What I Mean…

…when I say I am part of the LGBTQ+ and polyamory communities:

  • I want to be who I am and love who I love;
  • I want you to be who you are and love who you love;
  • I want the world to respect who we are and let us love who we love.

The rest is details.

Notice of Erection

Thank you for participating in this date. Please be aware that depending on how matters proceed, you may find yourself in the presence of an erection.

The appearance of an erection does not require any action on your part. You are not responsible for relieving, encouraging, assisting, or any interaction with the erection.  This is true even if you were the inspiration for the erection and actively encouraged its emergence.

Should an erection occur, you have the following responsibilities:

  1. Nothing
  2. Nothing
  3. Nothing

The erection’s owner is solely responsible for whatever comes next. If your further involvement is desired, it may be solicited.  But erections happen.  That fact does not create any obligation on you.  Should the erection’s owner imply otherwise, please refer them to this text.

This notice is valid everywhere and at all times.

Thank you for perusing this Notice of Erection.

Give Me a Moment…

Attending the Loving More poly conference outside Denver, and (as sometimes happens at such things) they passed out bingo cards, where you mingle with other attendees to see who has attributes like “Learned of poly after age 40” or “From east of the Mississippi.” 

One of the entries on my card is “Attending with 2 or more lovers,” to which the only reasonable answer would seem to be, “No, but the conference has barely started.”

Who’s #1?

One of the faster ways to start an online pie fight is to bring up the topic of hierarchical relationships.

Some non-monogamous people practice hierarchy, in which one relationship is favored above others. (This is often the case, for example, when a married couple enters into polyamory.)  And, perhaps understandably, other people find ranking relationships distasteful and/or an invitation to treat other partners poorly.

But it’s worth noting that There’s a difference between a descriptive hierarchy and a prescriptive one. Descriptive is saying “I live with X and lived with them 20 years before Y came along, so there are aspects to that relationship not matched by the other.” Prescriptive is saying, “X will always be my #1, and no other may be allowed to rival that relationship.” It’s the difference between what is and what will be.

We will always have more experience with one partner than another. But so long as:

  • Duration of relationship does not equal or imply intensity or value of that relationship;
  • What one partner gets does not depend on what the other partner gets;
  • And neither can veto decisions about the other,
you’re working toward non-hierarchy.