Most of this stuff is common sense, but you’d be surprised how many people won’t ask or refuse to answer the most basic questions.

1. Are you legally married, illegally married, married to the Mob, and/or actually a horse in a person suit?

2. Are you having sex with anyone else right at this moment?  How about now?

3. How many different sexual partners have you had in the last year?  How many were different but pretty much the same, really?

4. When was your last STD test?  SAT test?  Oil change?

5. Was the filter included?

6. What form of birth control do you use? Oh, a copy of The Watchtower on the bedside table?  Works for me.

7. What brand and size of condoms do you prefer?  Condoms.  C-O-N-D… oh, never mind.

8. What methods do you use to protect yourself during oral and anal play?  What do you mean by “fleeing?“

9. Are you monogamous?  Cats don’t count.

10. Have you ever cheated on someone?  (Include Words With Friends.)

11. Are you poly?  If yes, can I meet with your primary?  If no, who are those three names tattooed on your scrotum?

12. Have you ever kept secret lovers from your primary?  Have you ever won a primary?  If yes to both, should I call you “Mr. President” or just “Bill”?

13. How often do you like/expect to have sex?  Really?  …when do you eat?

14. Do you have any physical issues that affect your sex life?  Include children.

15. What kinds of sex toys do you enjoy?  Yes, I suppose “Lamborghini” is a good answer.

16. What turns you on?  This?  This?  How about this over here?

17. What turns you off?  What do you mean, “Questions”?

18. What are your hard limits?  Do you think it’s funny that I said “hard”?  No, no, neither do I, really.  Heh.

19. What are your soft limits?  How soft are they?  Mmm, soft.

20. Have you ever had a negative sexual experience that triggers panic?  Have you ever had panic that triggered a sexual experience?  Are you Trigger? (See question 1.)

21. What is your favorite way to orgasm?  What do you mean, “alone”?

22. What is your most common/go to sexual fantasy?  Do you supply the choir, the llama, and the ice skates?

23. What does “sex” mean to you?  How about “dyspepsia”?  “Onomatopoeia”?  “Frottage”?

24. Is there anything you’ve ever wanted to try?  My patience?  A case in The Hague?  A little tenderness?

25. If sex results in pregnancy, how do you plan to take responsibility for your actions?  Yes, I said “you,” Mrs. Bobbitt.  Why?