When I realized that I liked love without sex
more than sex without love
was when I really started to recognize
my understanding and practice of polyamory.
Probably not humor
NRE, AKA The Green Monster
One of the most frequently asked questions in polyamory, especially among those new to the practice, is “How do I do proper justice to my current relationship when a new one comes along, with all the excitement and focus appertaining thereto?” (And it’s usually asked in exactly those words.)
While most of the content on this blog will be original, I am pleased to share a very good piece of writing on the effects of new relationship energy and strategies for coping with it. The author is both an academic researcher in the field and a practitioner. (Also a formidable pole dancer, a credential under-recognized by many tenure review committees.)
Subs to Go
First Look: KNKI, a mobile kinkster-finding app
How many times has this happened to you: You’re in a strange city, you don’t really know anybody, but you do really need to be tied down and paddled?
Until now, your choices were pretty much punching up Craigslist on your phone, trying to get away with browsing CollarMe on some library’s PC, or asking a cab driver for a really big favor. I know, it didn’t seem fair; in an era of Grindr and Tinder and Lavendr, what was a poor kinkster to do?
Enter KNKI.
KNKI is a new app, just released on the Apple and Google app stores, that shows other BDSM and altsex practitioners in your area. It gives you pictures, ways to contact. and some basic data about them and their interests.
To be sure, KNKI aspires to be more than a hookup app. Its profiles include fields for running status updates, like Facebook. And, similar to vanilla social apps, pictures can be “liked” and commented on. But for an online equivalent, it is closer to CollarMe than to FetLife. At least in its current iteration, KNKI is better for finding new acquaintances and partners than building and maintaining community. But it’s early innings, and the KNKI team has bigger aspirations.
Party-Line Phone
It’s always tricky to review the first release of anything, whether it’s a car, a newborn child, or especially an app. No matter what you see now, you know it’s going to be very different once they’ve had some time to learn, grow, and work through the bugs. (Or, in the case of the child, to eat some of them.) The folks behind KNKI are actively soliciting ideas for improvement. But here’s our first look at where it stands today:
KNKI’s main screen shows you pictures of other users. You can have it show you people who are close by, who are generally sorted by distance, or a selection of all KNKI users. Tap on the picture and you get a basic profile with age, relationship status, gender, orientation, and some basic choices of “lifestyle role” — dominant, submissive, switch, slave, kinkster, or other. (In setting up your profile, you get to choose what you’re looking for from an even longer list of roles. You can also choose from a variety of relationship statuses, including poly, although the “Seeking” menu does not yet include poly partners.)
The app lets you filter who you see by any of those criteria as well as ethnicity. It does not – yet – limit who you see to only those who haven’t excluded you by one of the same criteria, so while you may enjoy exploring the profiles you see, some of those folks aren’t ever going to be interested in you.
Unlike some other social networks, the KNKI app lets you see who has looked at your profile, even if they chose not to interact further, so you know who’s been perving you. It can also limit displayed profiles to people you’ve already interacted with in various ways.
When looking at a particular profile, you can choose to follow the person and be notified of their subsequent updates. A button unlocks your private photos (about which more soon) to that person. You can also instant message them (using an internal-to-KNKI message system) or give them what’s called a “Shout-Out” – like a Facebook poke, but with some additional variations allowing you to let the other person know you think they’re cute, hot, funny, or have a great smile, that you are interested in a playdate, or that they appeal to your sapiosexual side. “Shout-Outs” can be icebreakers to indicate interest or dip that first-contact toe in the water. (Should things go south from there, a drop-down menu on the profile page also allows you to report or block that specific user.)
An app settings menu allows you to choose units of distance (“You’re so far from me in kilometers!”); whether the front page shows you profiles or random photos; and whether profiles are shown just for people near you or from among all KNKI users. It also lets you set alerts and notifications of different user interactions.
Show and Tell
The free version of KNKI lets you upload up to 10 pictures, which can be marked as public or private. You control on a case-by-case basis who is allowed to see your private pictures (although not on a picture by picture basis; there is no way to isolate, say, face pictures from cock shots beyond the public versus private designation. Someone who can see your private pictures can see all of your private pictures.) A photo feed button from the main page allows you to see the latest pictures from people you’re following, or to explore other users’ most recently uploaded public pictures. Pictures can also be searched by tags applied by the uploaders.
In looking through the profile photos, it’s clear that the emphasis is on showing people as people rather than body parts, and while respecting preferences for privacy, KNKI’s photo guidelines encourage smiling faces for those shots.
At least for now, KNKI moderates the uploaded photos. They have very strong terms of use guidelines, designed to comport with US law, that prohibit some of the more explicit pictures you might see elsewhere whether they are designated public or private (no intercourse, animals, kids, scat, etc.) “Public” pictures require covered breasts, buttocks, and genitals, although there does appear to be the usual double standard regarding naked chests; men’s are OK, while women’s apparently are not. Many male-bodied users have bare-chested profile photos.
As a test, I uploaded a picture of my (male) chest in a mesh shirt; this apparently passed muster as being clothed. Bare-chest shots remained public, but a photo of me naked except for skimpy underwear was locked as private-only by the moderator, as were a nipple closeup, a drawing of my bare bum, and a photo of bound wrists. As all pictures, whether public or private, are reviewed before being posted, it will be interesting to see how they maintain that practice (or what wait times become) should usage greatly increase.
Some People Pay for It
Everything we’ve discussed so far features in the basic, free version of KNKI. Upgrading to a paid subscription for $9.99 a month or $89.99 per year allows you to see more photos (currently, the front page shows 115.) Subscribing also gives you a bigger inbox, the ability to upload more than 10 photos of yourself, read-message receipts, and activates two features on the main page. One is a filter to show only those members who are currently online (a hookup mode, if you will); the other is a travel function, allowing you to see KNKI members sorted by proximity to a specified place rather than just those close to you.
Safeword “Yellow”
A few things don’t work quite right yet. The most obvious bug is that no matter what gender or preference a user sets, the text on a profile (appearing over the picture) says “Prefers guys.” KNKI is aware of this bug, and promises a fix in their next release, due the third week of January.
We also found that the function of showing users near you was spotty. For example, while it showed people more than 100 miles away, it didn’t show an existing user who was 9 miles away, even when it was set to show users who were off-line. Similarly, I found a random user who was shown as 1/10th of a mile away from me – but no matter where I went, she was always 1/10th of a mile away from me. (I swear she’s not locked in my trunk.)
Summing Up
I tested the proximity feature further by running KNKI continuously on a train trip between New York and Washington, watching the range of faces change as the miles unreeled. Because the app is so new, the installed base is pretty small, so there were only a handful of different users in that corridor (and those familiar with the East Coast kink scene know just how many thousands of like-minded people are there), but that number will only grow as KNKI catches on.
The question is, will it? Right now, as noted, KNKI’s strongest feature is enabling you to find and meet new people. Grindr, Tinder, and the like are unapologetic about their orientation toward the easy hookup. BDSM often works differently, with a greater orientation toward relationships. It will be interesting to see how KNKI adapts to that reality. Perhaps a bigger question is to what extent an app like this complements existing online entities –- or compels them to come up with better mobile apps themselves.
Also, I can see KNKI being a real boon for those in areas where kink is less common, and meetups few. Finding out who’s around and like-minded is never easy, but especially difficult away from the major urban areas.
Right now, KNKI is a good first effort, and it’s fun. It’s worth downloading, (and not just if you prefer guys.) Time will tell whether enough people spring for the paid subscriptions to keep it going, but for now it’s great to see energy and imagination being applied to make BDSM life more vibrant.
For more about KNKI, see www.KNKIApp.com or www.facebook.com/KNKIApp. They are also KNKIapp on FetLife.
The Wonder of Polyamory
- There’s the partner I see every night
- and the partner I see every week
- and the partner I see about every month
- and the partner I see about once a quarter
- and the partner I don’t know if I’ll ever see again
…and they are all loving
…and they are all loved.
By me and by their others.
How sublime this all is.
Get (off) their backs
Sex workers serve a remarkably valuable role in the world, bringing basic human companionship and touch to many for whom it is otherwise unavailable. For this they ought be revered rather than, as so often, censured. (And I say this from a dispassionate vantage point as one who has yet to avail myself of such services.)
It is an unreasonably difficult vocation in so many ways. That’s why I urge those of like mind to join me in underwriting their local sex worker support organization through donations of time, money, and/or goods like toiletries. My local one is HIPS (www.hips.org), but there are others all over the country. Please help care for those who provide the great and caring gift of human contact.
We are all Whitman’s Samplers sexually
…some of us have just filled in more of the map and/or are more wary of unlabeled ganaches.
The Unyuckable Yum
Some recent experiences both online and in real life have led me to consider the topic of validation.
It is not unusual, when introducing myself to someone as polyamorous or pansexual (or any other aspect of me that may not be in common experience) for people to be
a) confused;
b) dismissive; and/or
c) negative to the concept.
I’ve seen that happen to others in discussion groups as well, and a common rejoinder to a lack of comprehension is that anything less than a supportive response somehow invalidates the person’s statement about themselves, and that that shouldn’t be done.
Some sexuality conferences I’ve attended have adopted as a shorthand the basic tenet “Don’t yuck my yum,” meaning that if someone expresses a preference for something that they like, you shouldn’t talk it down, whether you can get your mind around it or not.
Leaving aside for the moment the question of whether someone should have just as much right to not like or understand something as I do to embrace or promote it, the response that disagreement = invalidation has always confused me.
Look, if an authority figure – a government, a parent, a discussion group moderator – is coming forth with disagreement or incomprehension, that has real consequences. Those people are in a position to take action to intimidate or suppress you from doing what you like. They cannot only yuck your yum, they can make your yum illegal or at least not allow you to express it.
But when someone expresses their distaste or incomprehension for my preferences or practices in person or in a discussion group, and that person is not a figure of authority, it does nothing — nothing! — to invalidate my belief. I don’t grant them the power to do so. Because the validation for my belief comes from within me.
I don’t need someone else to tell me that it’s OK to be poly or pan or a NASCAR fan or a Browncoat. No matter what someone else says about those things, they will continue to be true. Even if they’re made illegal, they will still be parts of me, as valid as today.
One might posit that if the person expressing a preference is a political candidate, they should be open to changing their view based on input from others, because they are asking for other people’s support and votes. But this is very different from a personal preference which is yours and yours alone and which you do not seek to impose on someone else. One’s social and sexual preferences and practices fall into the latter category. That’s why I consider my yums to be unyuckable by others, and why their opinions do not invalidate mine.
So while it would be nice if nobody ever yucked someone else’s yum, understand that your yucking does nothing to make it any less yummy for me. I hear your opinion and I respect your right to express it. You just sit there in your wrongness and be wrong. I’m sailing on the Good Ship Yum.
How powerful is polyamory?
When you’re awash in love, having all of your needs met, in stable relationships, and with a full calendar that precludes taking on any more –yet you feel that yearning for even more connection, even more reward, even more love to give and receive.
To want all that even when it’s neither possible nor even sensible – that’s pretty powerful stuff.
If polyamory could be sold in powder form, it would probably be illegal, or at least controlled.
Sex is comedy.
I don’t mean it’s inherently funny, although it can certainly be that, especially if you catch a look in a mirror at the wrong moment.
But it’s comedy in that some comedians work hard to develop a killer routine. They know the timing; they know the patter; they even know and are ready for the likely heckles. They develop five minutes of solid gold, and hone it and run it over and over until it can’t miss.
And with the right audience, it kills.
Problem is, you have to find the right audience. And if the audience you have wants something else, sorry; that’s all you’ve got.
Good sex, on the other hand, is improv. You have some set pieces, some techniques, some ways of approaching the subject that are yours and yours alone. And you bring them out in response to comments from the audience, ideas thrown at you, seeing what pieces worked and which look like they’re bombing. Even the stumbles or miscues get turned into something positive. Next thing you know, it’s how you can make these three random objects work together in a creative way…
But the big point is, it’s interactive. It’s not something you deliver; it’s something that you create as part of a team with your partner or partners. And even though it’s never the same twice, it’s a joyful melding that belongs to you, together, in that place and time. And anyone who missed the show won’t understand.
But those who were there will be awfully glad they were.
What, *another* sex blog?
Well, yes and no. But mostly no.
This won’t be a place where we tell you 35 ways to please your letter carrier. Or evaluate the latest earlobe stimulator. Or tell you about everything my roommates and I did last night and who loved it and who ululated and who wound up sleeping with the chicken.
What we will do is talk (and sometimes laugh, and maybe once in a while speak in a raised voice) about pleasure. About polyamory and relationships and getting along and not getting along — but most of all, how to live with joy and civility in a complicated world that often values neither.
Also, there will be quips.
Come on along!
Votreplaisir 