This Weekend’s Pervertible Breakthrough!

Many hotel room beds thoughtlessly lack attachment points for… well, whatever you might want attachment points for. The solution, though can be as close as the closet.

If your room has a full-size ironing board, take it out and flip it on its top. The legs spread to a variety of useful widths – fasten a pair of wrist cuffs around the table legs and voilà! Attachment points. Add a piece of luggage to hold the board down, and proceed with your villainy!

To Find, Stop Looking?

This special guest post is by Haley Carter. A civic entrepreneur and writer, Haley lives in an intentional poly community in California and co-administers the Polyamory Discussion group on Facebook.

One of the questions most often asked in polyamory and other non-traditional relationship practices is, “Where do I find potential partners?”  Haley says they might be most easily found in the very first place you’d look:

When I began embracing polyamory, I had some vague idea that I’d be able to continue dating the people I’d been seeing for a while. However, as I discovered, even though they’d either said they were polyamorous, or that we were “just friends” and my other relationships didn’t matter, those friendships faded away. There was a time after that when I didn’t actually date anyone outside my chosen family (nesting partners).

From there, I decided I needed to seriously search for polyamorous folk to date, and I spent much of 2009 on over 100 first dates, and a handful of second and third dates. That effort yielded a wealth of personal growth, a greater awareness of how to be a better friend, and the realization that I wasn’t into online dating.

But more recently, I’ve discovered that I truly enjoy dating people I already consider friends. I’m no longer “searching” for partners or sweethearts. Instead, I focus my time and and loving energy on people I’ve met while doing things I love — campouts, local art projects, monthly music socials, local (regional) Burning Man community development, polyamory discussion, both online and local/in-person, and hosting social gatherings. I’ve discovered such meaningful connections with friends who have become my sweethearts, sexual adventure companions, and partners. I could not have foreseen the depth and variety of these relationships — reality has become far more wonderful than my imagination!

And further, I will add that I don’t always know whether or not I consider someone a partner or sweetheart. Some relationships move in and out of that heart space, depending on proximity, mutual availability, and where my focus in life may be. I *love* knowing and loving other phenomenal human beings for whom that is also true.

Defending Your Borders

What won’t you do for love?

And what doesn’t your partner want you to do?

There’s a big difference between those questions. Maintaining healthy boundaries — knowing your preferences and limits, and not letting them be violated — is basic to a happy, healthy life, and not just in relationships, but everything.

But there’s often a blurred distinction between boundaries and rules, and going beyond that, to the (often dreaded) relationship veto.  So, as an unrequested public service, I tried to make it all simpler. To wit:

  • Boundary: I won’t do X or allow anyone to do X to ME.
  • Veto: I won’t allow YOU to do X or anyone to do X to YOU.
  • Rule: WE won’t do X or allow anyone to do X to either of US.

(Rules being the most flexible of the bunch in meaning and effect.)

A veto can be included in rules, so long as they are negotiated and agreed to. But instituting a unilateral veto — or any unilateral rule, like the dreaded One Penis Policy — is a sign of a troubled relationship.

So build your walls where you will. Just don’t let anybody build them for you. Because those are the ones designed more to restrict than protect.


Love One? Love More?

How do you decide?

As previously noted here, monogamy is a beautiful relationship structure; so is polyamory. Each is about doing proper justice to relationships with however many partners for whom you have the time and resources. For many people, that’s one. For others, it may be more. But I think two points are key: Being open to where love leads, and not making commitments you can’t sustain in the long term.

I have come to love the first clause and chafe at the second.

Does a Benefit Make a Friend?

In the Facebook era, “friend” has become a verb.

It has also become a disposable noun; with the click of a button, we make a “friend”; with another, they are de-friended.  That’s not much of a friendship.

Recently, one of my partners described me as her “lover.”  And the younger person to whom she was speaking said, “Nobody calls them that anymore. Say ‘friend.'”

Leaving aside the lack of poetry and clarity in using the word thus, in the dating world, there is the concept of friends with benefits, a term that is so widespread it needs no further explanation.  Except, perhaps this: There is an important difference between friends with benefits and friends because benefits.

If the benefits go away and they do too, they weren’t friends.

That distinction may not be important to some.  But to those for whom a deeper connection makes for better sex, it’s vital.

Physical attraction may come and go. Friendships, though, endure. When you can have as much fun together doing whatever you do, and be as connected clothed as naked, that’s the good stuff. And it can’t be erased by a click.

That Time Again

"I will never understand why completely polysaturated people like you, who have so much love in their lives, still occasionally get the craving for an experience with someone new," I said to the mirror.

What is Polyamory?

People looking in: It must be orgies and heartbreak and sister wives and bliss and angst!

Polyamory as it is: Filling out medical power of attorney forms, one to be able to accompany a single partner to a colonoscopy, and another to add a meta to my spouse’s such form as backup for when she gets the same procedure.

Poly. It’s real life, just with a bigger cast.

Defend Yourself

It’s getting to be that exciting time again – the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit, August 3-6. I’ll be presenting twice(!) at the conference, but there’s so much more to see. Come on down!

Here’s where you register:

…and here’s WHY you register:

Really, folks, – if you care about your rights to express yourself and control your body, you owe it to yourself to attend – and you’ll enjoy!

What I Mean…

…when I say I am part of the LGBTQ+ and polyamory communities:

  • I want to be who I am and love who I love;
  • I want you to be who you are and love who you love;
  • I want the world to respect who we are and let us love who we love.

The rest is details.